JUST BETWEEN US
We’d been flirting with the idea of getting a dog for years when I came across a friend of a friend looking to re-home their pup, an anxious sweetie with a cute lil underbite. She wasn’t an “easy” dog exactly and we’d known that going in. We were even excited at the opportunity to give this sweet pup the energy and care and time and training she needed, believing our life was structured perfectly for the job. So we picked her up and committed to 2 weeks of fostering before we’d officially finalize the adoption.
I cried nearly every day for those 2 weeks, overwhelmed at the way her presence upended every part of my routine. Although the days got easier as she settled into her new home and new routine, my overwhelm didn’t ease as I realized my life would forever be altered (well, for about 10-15 years). I had found an ease in my life that I wasn’t ready to give up and the potential joys of the dog life felt more like subtraction than addition as I faced the changes that would need to be made.
Although this commitment wasn’t feeling right in my body, I agonized over the adoption decision. I clung to this idealized version of myself that was selfless and nurturing and desired to care for this pup regardless of the sacrifices it entailed. I worried about disappointing Mitch. It felt embarrassing to give up, like it made me bad. I wondered what it said about me or what others would think of me. It felt selfish.
In the end I knew I needed to honour that sense in my body, the feeling that this wasn’t right for me. After years of disconnection from my body, I’ve spent the last few years practicing paying attention to and honouring the way my body feels and the messages she sends me — and in that time I’ve developed a deep sense of loyalty to myself and my body and a refusal to betray myself.
You could call this a self-centredness.
I was taught to have an aversion to self-centredness. I’m sure many of you raised as girls1 can relate to the general patriarchal conditioning that hopes to prepare us to become dutiful wives and mothers prepared to sacrifice every part of ourselves for the sake of our families. Compound these general societal expectations with religious teachings I received that told me my flesh was sinful, that I should die to self, and to relinquish all my desires… and we’ve got the perfect recipe to think operating from our selfhood is bad.
I didn’t want to know what my heart would be like without Christ in it. I thought I’d be hopeless, horrible, selfish, unloving. That embracing my desires would lead me to bad places. But as I’ve unwound myself from this tangled web of beliefs, I’ve found it couldn’t be further from the truth.2
As I’ve re-written these stories and beliefs about myself and come to know3 that the unfiltered core of me is worthy and whole all on my own, I only experience my ability to love as more expansive. When I feel connected to myself, I can’t help but feel more connected to everything and everyone around me. When I face my own humanity, I can’t help but see the humanity of everyone else too. When I properly care for myself, I have the energy and desire to show up for the people in my life in the way that they need and serve missions that aligns with my values.
But also I know better when my energy is spent and I need to tend to myself. I know when things don’t align with my values or cross my boundaries. I know that I can choose the path that is right for me, that might not make others happy, and be secure in the knowledge that I am worth no less. I know better when opportunities and decisions feel right or wrong in my body and I have the desire (and courage) to honour that feeling. To say no. To say yes.
So, I don’t think I aspire to selflessness anymore. I aspire to be centred in my fullest self. To honour my needs and desires. To nurture myself and recognize that I do not need to deny myself in order to be good or happy. In fact, perhaps me and the people in my life will all be happier if I am operating out of a deep sense of self-trust and self-love. Perhaps self-centredness is not the bad thing I’ve been taught to believe it to be.
BETWEEN THE SHEETS
We’re talking books, baby.
Book Lovers by Emily Henry was a real fun romance full of excellent banter. We love a little tension! Right up there with my love for Happy Place and Beach Reach.
The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls was truly the excellent memoir they say it is. Jeannette shares about her unique childhood with so much grace and love and honesty.
Moon of the Turning Leaves by Waubgeshig Rice was a really interesting sequel to Moon of the Crusted Snow - a dystopian series that follows an Anishinaabe community surviving together after societal collapse.
The Apollo Murders by Chris Hadfield was slow-moving space-race Cold War spy thriller. Underwhelmed, lol!
ALL THE INBETWEENS
Posting: A new vlog! My return to youtube after a few months off!
Reading: This recent post about Icy Moons from my latest Substack subscription where Julian Gough explores the way the universe is cascading upwards in complexity. At the end of the essay he theorizes: “This is an evolved universe, in which (over the course of many, many earlier generations of universe) matter itself has evolved so as to be conducive to life. Chemistry evolved; evolution itself evolved. Icy moons evolved.” Obsessed with this perspective and can’t wait to read and learn more. The universe is so cool!
Knitting: A gift for a loved one! But this collar is next on my list! OH and I got a sewing machine so I can’t wait to start making more clothes.
Listening to:
Prelude to Ecstasy by The Last Dinner Party is my current go to album (Sinner and Nothing Matters are personal faves omg).
Across the Dark by The Wilderness of Manitoba has been *hitting* on my winter walks. Clovers is a great track!
Can’t listen to Float by Janelle Monáe without shaking some ass, just saying.
Watching:
Saw Scott Pilgrim vs. The World for the World for the first time and my life will never be the same. In my top movies of all time FOR SURE.
Really enjoyed Her, the one where Joaquin Phoenix falls in love with his AI.
Re-watched Fleabag and UGH it’s just as good as it was the first time.
Also re-watching Game of Thrones. Felt right!
PS!! I’m open to ideas for new segments or topics I should cover in the newsletter! Would love to make a lil perk for the paid pals - let me know if you’ve got requests or ideas! <3
Thank you so much for reading this edition of BETWEEN US. Please subscribe if you haven’t yet and feel free to forward to a friend, share a snippet online, follow me on instagram / tiktok / youtube, or leave a comment with your thoughts. I loooooove to hear from ya’ll and it is the ability to connect with you that keeps me online :)
Much love,
Jen ✨
Of course, people of all genders can receive this conditioning but it’s undeniably very prevalent for those raised as women.
Maybe Christ is still in my heart, despite my “unbelief”.
Sometimes this knowledge is just theoretical and sometimes I really believe it.
Glad to have you back in my inbox. Kind of feel completely baffled that there's been no mention of Palestinians in any of your content? I'm glad you're looking after yourself but as a person with a platform I find it difficult to engage with people who say... Nothing.