JUST BETWEEN US
I have had so much friction with creating content for months and months now. On my to do list for this month was to post daily on TikTok, hoping I could get back into a rhythm. But out of those 22 days I’ve managed to post 7 videos.
I really gained traction in my following when my body was a focal point of my content. I’d film my morning routines and take cute pics in my undies and talk about body neutrality regularly and many lovely people found me through it. But I haven’t felt like that creator, that person, for a while. My body has been loved and embraced and I don’t think too much about needing to accept her. She is me, I am her and I have moved on from wanting that part of my life to be a focal point online. I simply want to exist in this body and have that be enough.
Although it’s always been important to me to not narrow myself into a single niche and I never was exclusively a body neutrality creator, having that piece in my content felt like an anchor in my life as a creator. It was the thing I knew people connected to and found value from, and creating content about it felt easy. Stepping back from it has left me feeling a little mission-less. What is the the thing, the value I have to give these thousands of people who’ve come alongside me online? What do I have to offer them? I haven’t known and it has left me aimless and uninspired.
There are times where I want it to feel simpler, like I don’t need to contribute anything meaningful. Times where I want to just be that effortlessly cool creator with the aesthetic photos and no words, just vibes. But my inner voice tells me my life is actually not nearly interesting enough for that and my soul craves more connection than that.
I want to say it feels like I’ve been screaming into the void but in truth I’ve been whispering at best and it’s a void I’ve created out of my own absence. In honouring my lack of inspiration, it has left me pretty quiet online for many months. I have often tried to will myself into creating consistently but I have failed every time and the ideas refuse to flow. I’m not totally sure what is getting in the way. Is it the lack of mission, burnout, my inner saboteur, comparison… I don’t know. Maybe all of it.
A fear comes up in me as I write this, hoping it doesn’t give the same vibe as that clip of Mikayla Nogueira saying, “I just finished work and it’s 5:19… try being an influencer for a day” that everyone was outraged about. Because I know being able to do this as a part time job is outrageously privileged and I’m hoping what you hear is that I’m missing a form my own own self-expression and creativity… not that I think this is hard.
Because I really do miss it. I miss the days where filming and posting and writing and sharing every day felt easy and exciting and inspired and I want to know those days will return. I miss having interesting convos with ya’ll via my stories + DMs + comments and I miss feeling like anything I do online matters. Or perhaps I’m just a Leo and Enneagram 3 who just misses the validation.
I hope sharing this diary entry of how I’ve been feeling releases me from whatever has been holding me back. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. Maybe the days will get longer again and the sun will come out and suddenly my inspiration will arrive. Maybe I’ll never be the creator I once was.
I need to let go of the idea that I need to do anything like I’ve done it before, and that I need to do anything like anyone else. I need to dig my own path out of this muck and even though I haven’t found it yet, I’m sure it’s there.
BETWEEN THE SHEETS
I have somehow only finished ONE book since the last edition. Not sure what’s been going on but I haven’t been reading???
The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and and Love by bell hooks was incredible and I highly recommend it for everyone — men in particular and anyone in any type of relationship with men. bell hooks writes so compassionately and honestly about love and the ways men, too, are harmed by toxic patriarchy. I thought it was great.
ALL THE INBETWEENS
Latest on youtube: days at home alone vlog — the comments are warming my heart and ya’ll don’t know how much they mean to me… thank you!
My mission today is to START SEWING. I’m hitting send and going out to get sewing supplies for a probably too-ambitious first project but why not send it? Hopefully I have something good to report in the next edition.
Just started diving into this design course I signed up for last week and I thought I’d share if anyone here is a designer looking for some great resources!
Been listening to…
Artist: Billie Marten
Album: The Gods We Can Touch by AURORA
Song: Psychedelic Switch by Carly Rae Jepsen
Been watching Drag Race (loving this season!) and re-watching Game of Thrones and One Tree Hill. Oh and I’ve just started the new Love is Blind season, let’s go.
Hackwith Design House, one of my fave small fashion brands, just sent me this ruffle tube top and this long sleeve cotton gauze shirt from their spring collection and I’m looooving them. Now I just need it to actually be spring.
Thank you so much for reading this edition of BETWEEN US. Please subscribe if you haven’t yet and feel free to forward to a friend, share a snippet online, follow me on instagram / tiktok / youtube, or leave a comment with your thoughts. I loooooove to hear from ya’ll and it is the ability to connect with you that keeps me online :)
For me, just seeing someone with the same body type as me just living their life, the good and the bad, is being a role model. No need to talk about it or center it, just existing. I love your outfits videos and books suggestions, but I also love seeing you in your daily chores and sometimes little adventures, your new hobbies and calm moments. When you say "just a vibe" that's exactly it. Those videos are like little moments of fresh air, deep breaths. For me, they are accomplishing enough.
I enjoy your content as it is. I think you probably look at it from a volume perspective (how many, how often), but the main way I would describe your content is authentic! It's kinda weird to post everyday or every outfit-that aint real life. I feel like the rhythm of your work makes sense for the slower pace we're all in right now. Also-let's be sewing buddies. The end!